The Mono Mindset VS. The Poly Lifestyle

I’ve come across it a lot over the last few years… Monogamous people trying to fit the triangle concept of Polyamory into the circle hole of Monogamy.

No matter how hard you push and shove, they’re still completely different shapes.
Even if you can squeeze one corner of the triangle through, so that the triangle piece can sit steadily alongside the circle… there’s still two corners of the triangle that’s left to sit outside. It doesn’t completely belong.
What then? Do we just forget about the other corners or chop them off?
Maybe if we just leave it like that, they will fall off eventually…
or maybe the triangle will love the circle enough to mold itself into a shape that can squeeze its way through and ‘settle down’.

The point I’m trying to make here is that you can’t apply the same rules or concepts to polyamorous relationships that you do for monogamous relationships because they’re completely different.

I’ve read articles in the past that imply Polyamory is a choice… and I’m sure there are people out there who practice the many forms of non-monogamy and would agree that they could happily be mono if they found the right person.

But for me, that’s not the case.
Being Poly is just as much a part of my sexual identity as being Bisexual. I was born this way.

I fall in love hard and for years I tried so hard to be a circle, to squeeze myself into different shapes to fit into the mono lifestyle. I want more monogamous people to understand what they’re actually saying when they fall in love with someone who is Poly, then set boundaries and conditions on their love:
“Do whatever you need to do, as long as you don’t tell me anything and keep loving me”
“I don’t mind that you’re poly, we’ll keep it casual”
“Oh sweet, I like sleeping around too… this will work!”

Their intentions are golden but unbeknown to them, these are extremely selfish statements. For me – now – it puts their ignorance of what polyamory is in neon lights. Warning bells start sounding in my head. These people are closed minded and generally, inexperienced in relationships. Neither of these things is inherently bad but after experiencing many relationships that started in this way – that led to unnecessary heartache – I’m a lot more cautious.

If you are mono and have said similar things to your poly partner then maybe you should do some research, or ask some questions of them and actually listen. Because we live in a heavily monogamy centred culture, monogamous people do have privilege and sometimes can’t see past that privilege. You ask a lot of a poly person when you ask them to not see other people romantically. Just like it just doesn’t feel right to date other people to you… it feels just as abnormal for a poly person to not be allowed(!??) to form strong relationships with lots of people.
If you’re poly and have had partners say similar things to you maybe think about what exactly it is you want out of the relationship. If you truly love them then consider what you want and how that will effect them in the future. It’s not fair to let their youth waste away while they work on a relationship that will probably never mature into something they truly want. So, is it worth taking the risk? Could you see yourself being mono for good?

So, if you’re monogamous and have fallen in love with a polyamorous person… what do you do? (because we’re not off limits – I’m just bitter). Well, knowledge is power.

Polyamory literally means ‘more than one love’. I will have more than one partner at a time (including myself) and they’re not just sexual partners.

It’s more about the relationship you build with that other person. Just like any other relationship – you get to know them, fall for them, spend quality time with them and help them through hard times because you love them. Some relationships are platonic just because that’s how you feel about it, while others are sexual just because that’s how you feel about it.

This also usually means that your poly partner will be talking to their other partners regularly, they will want to tell you stories of what them and their other partner got up to on the weekend because it was fucking fun and they will want to confide in you when things go wrong. You will also almost certainly see photos of your partner and their partner or even meet them!

If you want to indefinitely deny your poly partner these things so they can be with you, so that you don’t get jealous… then you are being selfish.
You can ask it of them, but they have every right not to agree.

Also, polyamorous people in general understand that life changes and people come and go. Usually there isn’t any real ‘breakups’ and there’s quite a bit of partner sharing. A concept mono people find difficult to comprehend because generally, they’re looking for ‘the one’ and cheating (ownership?) is so black and white. This also means that you will probably meet their exes at some point too.

This is the point in the story where most mono people throw up their hands and say they’re just too jealous of a person to be with a someone who is poly. That’s totally, 100% OK. Contrary to popular belief polyamorous people get jealous too – some more than others. But we acknowledge that jealousy is an emotion and not ‘anyone’s fault’ we work on our feelings surrounding jealousy by ‘processing’. This usually means talking to one of our partners, writing things down (like I am now!) or crying into a pillow. The key is being honest with yourself and being able to reflect on exactly why you feel jealous and being able to determine if it’s something you can change, ignore or work with.

In the end – as always – it boils down to this:
Whether you’re poly or mono, open and honest communication is the key to successful relationships.

And quit trying to change everyone you date

The Beginning of the End

I’ve been in denial and, as more truths come to light, it has become apparent that I’ve been in denial for longer than I originally expected.

Hubby and I have recently broken up (for those of you who haven’t been playing along) and I guess it’s about time I start to inform family & friends… I’ve been putting it off because I know there will be a snowball of questions, looks of pity or (possibly even worse) the ‘I told you’ lectures that seem to always accompany the end of an open relationship and it never fails to amuse me how much monogamous people seem to know about them once they’re over.

This will probably end up being long-winded and emotionally charged… Generally, I try not to put too much detail on here about the people I see or the inner workings of my relationships but as the time between our last meeting and the present gets wider, I find it harder and harder to keep my mouth (or fingers?) shut about what’s happening between Hubby and I.

The truth is, I’m lonely and I’m angry. Maybe I’m sad too but I can’t feel that anymore, which I’m OK with. Being angry is reasonable… people understand that. Feeling lonely is something I’m used to (and I don’t mean that in a ‘woe is me’ way; I’ve always been a loner and I kinda like it that way) but, sadness? That crushing, falling feeling? The feeling of absolute hollowness in my chest and stomach that no amount of crying into a pillow could abate? No thanks. Someone else can hold onto that.

Maybe what they say about it being easier to be angry at someone than to tell them how heartbroken you are, is true.

I’m also disappointed… for years Hubby expressed how important I was in his life, and how beautiful he thought my soul was. We spoke about our future so often that it seemed set in stone. He promised me on multiple occasions to be there for me during the hardest times of my life, to forgive me if I ever were to break his heart and to stand by me even if everyone were against me.
Only to bail during the very first challenge without even so much as a fight.

Logically, I know he’s probably confused and hurt just like me… that things change, people change. That life never goes according to plan.
But I can’t help thinking that he was lying this whole time about loving me. That in reality he loved the idea of me.
Alas, my biggest fear has actualized.

And you know what? I’m OK.
I’m heartbroken, I’m disappointed beyond words, I’m afraid, angry, lonely, confused, indecisive and fuck off horny but I’m alright.
I’m alive.
I haven’t crumbled into a gurgling, teary mess unable to function like I was expecting.
I’ve grown up and out. I take up more space.
I also feel empowered, proud, amused by the randomness of life and grateful for the experience.
Grateful for the chance to love someone so completely… grateful for the complete trust and faith Hubby must of had in me to believe that I might actually be that one person for him.

One? Yeah, I guess that needs explaining too. Something I’ve realised over the last couple of weeks is that he’s looking for The One.

I’ve never been of that mindset, which was a difficult thing for my 14 year old self to comprehend (and even more difficult for my 14 year old friends when I told them about my boyfriend kissing his old primary school crush when they were on holiday together).

Maybe I could do that for 5 years, maybe even 10… but as we get older and we get closer to my sexual peak (and further from his) I can’t deny what is in my heart.
Now that I’ve met others with like-minds and know it’s possible to acquire that which my heart desires, I don’t think I could be poly in a mono relationship indefinitely.
I’ve told Hubby that I’m willing to give it a go but I don’t want to take any more time away from him than what I already have.

To say this is a difficult thing to come to terms with is an understatement, but my life fits better now. I don’t feel like I’m constantly swimming against a current anymore and that opens up a whole plethora of other feelings which I can’t stomach processing at the moment.

So, I guess that leaves you all wondering where I’ll go to from here (if anyone actually got to the end of this novel). The truth is that I have no clue. I want to try, I really do… but after all these realisations I feel like I would be holding him back and to some extent, myself. Not to mention the deep psychological abandonment issues I have which are now 10x worse… but ya know, I’m working on that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know what will happen in the future (no one does!) but what I do know is that from now on, no one is sharing a bed and room with me full time.
It’s somewhat amusing I had to get married to figure that one out.