Writes of Passage ~ Trust

Trust, with a capital T, is an essential part of my life.

Like everyone I’ve ever met there have been aspects of my past that have taken chunks out of that Trust until I was left with a Trust that was losing density like an osteoporotic bone. My cells build and then destroy, they feed on the nutrients left behind, but they no longer build as fast as they consume and so I’m left with porous beliefs which seem contradictory.
I am both Kinky and Polyamorous. These labels come with a great responsibility to those closest to me as they put their Trust in me and I put mine in them; this part of the puzzle is essential to this way of life. Because if you are missing the Trust piece it will never be fulfilled.

I’ve been dating a guy for the last 2.5 years and he has been dating his other girlfriend for a year. He has had other partners during that time too but they haven’t worked out. In this relationship style I have to Trust that he is doing right by me as well as his other girlfriend – that he is being safe, honest and communicative.
Of course like in any other relationship, that Trust can be broken or torn, and it has been but we have proven to each other that it can be rebuilt over time with a little effort from everyone.
Sometimes a breach in Trust once repaired, is stronger than it was previously and at other times people need reassurance to let their Trust blossom – but that ties into insecurities and jealousy which is a story for another time.
That’s the Polyamorous part of myself, the Kink side of myself relies on Trust even more as it can be a dangerous lifestyle to live… there is always a chance that something won’t go as expected and people could be seriously hurt, mentally and physically.

Let me bare myself to you by way of an antidote and I will Trust that there will be understanding amongst inevitable judgement, of which I don’t see as a bad thing (judgement in my opinion is important in deciding if something is for us or not therefore essential in the pursuit of self actualisation). Last night we went to a Kink Party with our friends. My partner communicated with me his curiosity and excitement surrounding a public(ish) scene where I bend him over a bench and hit him with various implements.
To the vanilla world this probably sounds like the least amount of fun one could have at a party but the amount of Trust that is involved in such a scene is intoxicating.
We have practised in private, and he Trusts that I will respect the boundaries that have been previously negotiated because he knows that once he is on that bench poised with his ass in the air that I have complete control. Or at least the implication of complete control as he Trusts that if he uses the word “Red” that I will stop immediately, and I Trust that if I go too far that he will use the word despite how unmanly it may seem.
We both Trust our friends who are watching that they will not ridicule us or make public what we do at these parties. And I Trust that they have taught me the correct techniques so as to give my partner a fulfilling and safe scene bent over that bench.
Scenes like this both relax and excite. Epinephrine pumps through my veins at the excitement of control and the complete Trust he has in me, whilst serotonin pumps through his allowing him to slip out of reality and into a world where he can let his “unmanly” emotions pour out in the form of tears.

When we finish, he Trusts I will be there solid as a rock to welcome his vulnerable self back to reality as it can leave you feeling cloudy, not unlike a good yoga class.
We put our Trust in the process and this ritual we have negotiated; The cup of water, the consumption of sweets, the grounding touch of another person as he comes back to earth safely.
And the most important part of the process is the communication afterwards which will allow us to contribute to the building up of Trust before it is consumed again for nutrients.

One of the major lessons I have learnt since fully immersing myself in both of these worlds has been the need to approach a relationship palms up and arms outstretched instead of curled up in the fetal position.
To gain someone’s Trust you must first be Trustworthy of course but also completely vulnerable and open to the possibility of breaches in Trust.


Writes of Passage Facilitator: Gabriella Salmon (http://www.gabriellasalmon.com)