Being: Asexual Edition

Ah yes, the asexual identity – the commonly forgotten letter in the LGBTQIA acronym. Even more invisible than bisexuals in the community we flit around the edges getting too attached to people we kiss and exploring others’ emotional landscapes via oversharing.

My sexual experiences have been few and far between not because I’m not interested but because sex is kinda gross.
There, I said it.
I feel very little sexual desire if any at all and, a part from a small bout of experimentation post divorce I don’t fuck people unless I have an emotional connection with them.

This is why I consider my “polyamorous” status to also be my sexual identity. It encompasses my need for love and affection that isn’t centered around sex like the term bisexual implies.
Bisexuality relies on the gender binary by default which isn’t entirely relevant either.

I’m still discovering new things about my body and marveling at how fluid my sexuality can be. I want to accept myself for who I am and I want other’s to do the same.
I’ve embraced my attraction to people of all sexualities, genders and identities but I’m often made to feel like a fraud because I don’t jump into bed with those people. Ironically, for all the pigheadedness of seemingly hetero-normative men they have been the most accepting so far of my wants and needs.
I don’t think I need to figure out why I am the way I am but having the language to explain how I feel to other’s has been instrumental in obtaining fulfilling romantic relationships.

In the past, lovers and potential lovers who have been on the sexual side of the spectrum started to feel unloved, unappreciated, forgotten or undesirable. Usually because it’s a need for them to not only feel that release but also to facilitate that in someone else.
The label gives me the language to explain that I’m not angry at them, I’m not with holding sex to manipulate them. That I still find them attractive but I need to express that attraction and love in a different way.
Discovering the love languages was also super important in learning how to verbalise what I needed to feel loved and appreciated (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)

Since embracing Kink I’ve been able to explore intimacy with people I love that isn’t inherently sexual. There is still space for us to be vulnerable, to meet somewhere that can make us all feel fulfilled.

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Have some pictures of Joker and I having out first play session at the local Rope Exchange last month. It was short and sweet as we got to know one another’s style.
We talked before this about what we wanted and what we expected. Plus communicated throughout about my comfort levels and she made sure to check my limbs for any signs of compressed nerves or arteries.
We’ve had some good deep and meaningful conversations since then too and I’m excited to negotiate further with her.

Here is a small excerpt from a story I’m working on which I may or may not edit:

“Good girl” she whispers in my ear and my body shudders with longing. I can tell she’s behind me even though I’m blind folded. I can feel her breath which has become heavy on my neck.

The heat radiating from her body brushes against me as she leans over to check my hands and feet which are bound in front of me by rope. She gags me with another piece of rope even though I know she enjoys the sounds I make when she hurts me.

We’re sitting on the floor of the community hall and I know people are probably watching us but I’m not aware of them at this stage. All I’m aware of is the rope around me and now the piece of rope in my mouth which is unpleasant. My tongue doesn’t know where to sit and I worry about making her rope wet with saliva. She stabs my feet with something pointy and I make a high pitched squeal around the impromptu gag… I forget all about worrying; about the saliva soaked rope and any other worries that were floating around in my head at the time. It’s gone… there is only me, Joker and the rope around me. Every now and then something pointy comes into existence too – she revels in my pain and discomfort.

She tickles me with her nails and I make muffled laughing noises. Then she pulls the rope that has been woven around my toes. It hurts and I make squealing noises again.

This is our first play together so it’s short. She slowly unties me, taking her time specifically with removing the gag so I drool a little bit. I can tell she enjoys watching my saliva drip from the rope.

We cuddle afterwards and I ask if I can lay in her lap. I look up at her and we talk about what we just created. I respect and fear her. She says she likes me and can tell I’m an authentic person. She says she loves me for who I am, how vulnerable I can be, the noises I make. She says she trusts me, that I live my life by example and that she respects that. I smile at her not knowing what to say… I wrap my arms fully around her in a tight bear hug. There isn’t much height difference between us at the moment but I remember her 7 inch black heels adorned with silver spikes that she was wearing when I first met her. I can’t wait to explore this deeper… hopefully she will wear those heels next time.”

 

Last weekend my friend Joker commissioned our perverted friendship group to get together for a weekend of debauchery in the name of marriage equality promotion.

In Australia marriage is still defined as “…between a man and a woman at the exclusion of all others” which is very outdated. All other marriages are not legally recognised and you may be excluded from your spouse’s will or be turned away if they’re in hospital (even if you got married overseas).
Our government have commissioned a third party to post a survey to us which we have to then vote “yes” or “no” to allow same sex marriage. That sentence seems like a joke but it isn’t. The most ridiculous part of it is that it isn’t legally binding and it will cost taxpayers millions of dollars to carry out what is essentially a social experiment. The LGBTQIA community have already become a target in the lead up to the postal survey with misleading propaganda being circulated.
Many minority groups including many First Nations people who live in very remote areas (or who aren’t literate in English) are at a great disadvantage.

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The idea was to shoot a series to highlight the overall humanity beneath our different relationship structures and identities. Queer, bi, pan, straight, cis, trans, poly, mono, triad, Vee… human.
We stripped ourselves of the part we present to society and covered each other in rainbow colours and glitter.

I had so much fun being naked in the sun with my partners, their partners and my friends. We showered together and drank wine. Hooped in the sun, ate fruit, laughed so much and wrestled each other playfully.

LOVE IS LOVE

Photo Credit: https://www.instagram.com/jokermadness.photography/

Rejection, Loneliness & Freedom

Today I laid in his arms, played with his chest hair and gazed into his wide blue eyes while we discussed relationship anarchy, polyamorist theories and gushed about new potential love interests. We haven’t seen each other much over the last two months because our lives took detours. We were dating briefly but we rejected each other because of expectations, misunderstandings and unrealistic attachments.

Chaos brought on by lovers feeling threatened and projecting their insecurities contributed to the unrealistic picture of what “We” would look like.

But now we’re cuddling on the couch without the pressures of other people, their eyes no longer lingering and judging the value of “Us” or measuring “Us” against their own systems of love and worth.

Admittedly the lack of pressure is probably because they’re not expecting us to be here.

Life is cyclical and about two months ago I had overwhelming feelings of loneliness and rejection again. It was painful because I was patient, forthright and vulnerable. Two months of self reflection and distance allowed me to comprehend what freedom means and how much I value my own autonomy (as well as the autonomy of others).
So today we were there – where exactly doesn’t really matter, we could have been anywhere. Two completely free and autonomous human beings actively choosing to spend this time getting completely lost in each other. Of not feeling like the interactions were fake or forced because we were there completely of our own free will.

We held each other because we wanted to and kissed each other because it felt good. I grabbed his thighs and he grabbed my ass, we flirted and he bit my neck playfully – I wanted to jump him there and then.

The tease!

But maybe I won’t ever fuck him. The validation I get when someone gives their body to me isn’t necessary. Things can be so amazing, like today, just keeping a little distance… because of that distance. Electricity has room to jump and spark, flames have oxygen to breath.
It doesn’t have to go anywhere else, we can jump off the relationship escalator and build our own relationship from scratch. To have someone comprehend how I perceive love by communicating openly with me is validating and that can be more satiating than sex.

It’s fulfilling to watch people unfold unabashedly as themselves and not who they think I want them to be. True intimacy for me is when people show their eccentricities. I love to hear them divulge their darkest secrets and their most twisted dreams, to rant about their passions.

It’s truly amazing how beautiful people are when they’re vulnerable – when there’s a lack of expectation and attachment.

When I was younger I used to talk to the wind. I would walk to the top of the hill where the wind was most tempestuous and let it carry away my problems.
I’m not sure what kind of problems an 8 year old would have anymore and maybe I will feel the same way about my current problems in 10 years time but right now the wind is blowing a gale outside – chaotic yet completely invisible.

A pretty apt metaphor for anxiety to be perfectly honest. Maybe that’s who I was really talking to when I was younger.

And even though I have grown so much since I was 8 there are still things which have not changed like overthinking when it gets windy. I’ve always loved lots of people and depended on their approval for my overall happiness.
I don’t really like that part about myself and have worked really hard to get to a point where I believe my opinion is really the only one that matters… but sometimes when I am weak I still find myself analysing the actions of others trying to find evidence of their love, hatred or indifference towards me.

To love lots of people at once can be overwhelming and scary. I care so much for the people in my life but I fear they don’t know it.
When I first came out as polyamorous I was excited to meet others of like mind and I did. My 20 year old self rejoiced at feeling a part of something and just a little less lonely… but even within the polyamorous community the way I love isn’t completely understood. I’ve only met one other person who really gets it.

I just don’t have the physical or emotional energy or the time to show everyone I love that I care.

Belonging

The sad reality is that I’ve been searching my whole life for somewhere to belong… where I fit nice and snug into a groove made specially for me, in a community or group of people who proactively want me there.

As time has gone on it’s become more and more apparent to me that I am a. very good at giving love and acceptance but very bad at recognising it and accepting it in return or b. too different and emotionally complicated to fit into any one place.
Maybe it’s a combination of the two.

Ever since I was a teenager I have flitted about like a butterfly from one group to another… some people look at me and see the extent of my influence. I will run into people I know quite frequently and they all seem happy to see me.
But they don’t really know me.

Like a butterfly my time here is fleeting and I flit about from one flower to another, perpetually on the periphery. Never really landing and never really flying, keeping most people at a friendly arms length to avoid my wings getting damaged.

Trust & Personal Boundaries

Trust is one of the most important aspects of any polyamorous relationship. Well, of any fulfilling relationship really. I’ve written a little bit about it before but lately it’s been popping up again and again like it’s a lesson that needs to be remembered by rote learning.

The trust I had in Thistlebird has gradually worn away over time after certain actions have played out and words have been said.
I’ve felt completely hopeless over the last few months because I didn’t know what to do… if I want to have a relationship with Hectic I have to trust Thistlebird and I have to have some form of a relationship with her to make it all work.
And I didn’t get a choice in any of it happening.

The only choice I really have is to leave – which I have seriously considered – I don’t want to give up on what I’ve built with Hectic though so it feels like a stalemate. I’ve felt trapped and began to resent their relationship as being the cause. I know logically it isn’t… that none of us really know what we’re doing or how to make it work and we’re all doing our best but it still doesn’t change how I feel about the situation and it doesn’t help me figure out a solution.

Thistlebird and I spent about a month not talking because of something I said which offended her – I’m sure this wasn’t the only reason.
To be completely honest it felt a bit trivial in comparison to some of the things she has done and said to me in the past which have left me feeling betrayed, violated and dismissed but I’ve been berated by Hectic for saying this – all it has done is solidify the belief that Thistlebird’s emotions take precedence because I deal with my stuff internally therefore making me more “capable”.
Personally I believe it’s because I don’t trust other people with my feelings, insecurities and weakness’. Why would I communicate those things to people I don’t trust?

In any case, I’ve realised this is part of the issue and I’ve been working on trusting people more… the only way I’ve figured out how to do this is to find where my own boundaries lie and communicate that.

About 3 weeks ago Hectic, Thistlebird and I had a round table where we agreed to talk about these things and lay down some rules.
There were two that I had set for myself. The first was a time limit to our discussions (2 hours max.) because I feel like after a time they just become cyclical. The second was that I didn’t want to be friends with Thistlebird and would prefer a parallel type of arrangement where we rarely interacted directly (up until this point we’ve been trying to make kitchen table polyamory work).
During the discussion it also became apparent that Hectic hadn’t been advocating for himself properly or communicating with Thistlebird about the parameters of their relationship.

During the time I’ve known Thistlebird it’s become obvious that she has a knack for pushing boundaries whilst claiming ignorance or a miscommunication when you point out what’s happening. Even though she accepted my boundary without question and created her own similar boundary with me she’s been messaging me, trying to start up small talk and offering me emotional support. It has made me anxious and uncertain and I’ve had to reinforce them by explaining that I only wanted to talk to her about our mutual concerns regarding Hectic. She tried arguing with me about this!
I can’t tell you how frustrating this is – to constantly have your boundaries pushed and prodded no matter how clear you communicate what you’re OK with.

We have a second round table coming up in about 2 weeks where I said we could discuss it further if need be. If they respect and help me reinforce these boundaries – to help me feel safe – then maybe I’ll begin to trust her, and their relationship, again.