My sexual experiences have been few and far between not because I’m not interested but because sex is kinda gross.
There, I said it.
I feel very little sexual desire if any at all and, a part from a small bout of experimentation post divorce I don’t fuck people unless I have an emotional connection with them.
This is why I consider my “polyamorous” status to also be my sexual identity. It encompasses my need for love and affection that isn’t centered around sex like the term bisexual implies.
Bisexuality relies on the gender binary by default which isn’t entirely relevant either.
I’m still discovering new things about my body and marveling at how fluid my sexuality can be. I want to accept myself for who I am and I want other’s to do the same.
I’ve embraced my attraction to people of all sexualities, genders and identities but I’m often made to feel like a fraud because I don’t jump into bed with those people. Ironically, for all the pigheadedness of seemingly hetero-normative men they have been the most accepting so far of my wants and needs.
I don’t think I need to figure out why I am the way I am but having the language to explain how I feel to other’s has been instrumental in obtaining fulfilling romantic relationships.
In the past, lovers and potential lovers who have been on the sexual side of the spectrum started to feel unloved, unappreciated, forgotten or undesirable. Usually because it’s a need for them to not only feel that release but also to facilitate that in someone else.
The label gives me the language to explain that I’m not angry at them, I’m not with holding sex to manipulate them. That I still find them attractive but I need to express that attraction and love in a different way.
Discovering the love languages was also super important in learning how to verbalise what I needed to feel loved and appreciated (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)
Since embracing Kink I’ve been able to explore intimacy with people I love that isn’t inherently sexual. There is still space for us to be vulnerable, to meet somewhere that can make us all feel fulfilled.